"Mood Indigo"

"You aint never been blue, no, no, no… till you’ve had that mood indigo;
That feeling goes stealing down to my shoes… while I just sit here and sigh,Go along blues…” – Nina Simone

Lately I’ve been having the blues… about work, love and life (not necessarily in that order). Constantly thinking about it drives me nuts… and so I’ve decided to write it down… Writing doesn’t chase the blues away, but it helps to reflect and find other ways of looking at the situation.

First, about current matters… One of my most pressing concerns now is what to do when my cousin, who is my housemate… moves to Canada. Obviously, I cannot afford to rent the apartment alone. I could either rent a smaller place, live with a friend or with my aunt’s family. OR, I could relocate back to Laguna, where the cost of living is smaller. On the other hand, I’m not certain about work opportunities there.

Second, about work… I’ve been with the same company for more than two years. For me, that’s quite an achievement! And I don’t regret making a “shift” from research-writing to teaching, although the two are still quite related. I’m still learning, still a little afraid, trying to take things one step at a time. Eventually, though, I know I’ll have to take another “big step” – I have to, if I want to grow more.

Third, about love life… Oh, this is a complicated one. It’s been a loooong time since I had a committed relationship, and I have yet to meet “the one.” The fact is, when it comes to love, I think I’m too picky, and over analytical. Sometimes, I think what my highschool teacher said is true (Ang pag-ibig… pag inisip, nasa puso… pag “pinuso,” nasa isip). Still, I know that love will come in its own good time.

And finally, about… church. Lately, I have “distanced” myself from the “church.” For a number of reasons. I assured one of my friends that I haven’t turned my back on God (I could never do that). I just need a little more time to sort my thoughts and feelings out.

When I ask my mom what she thinks about all this, she would always say… “Whatever you do, I just want you to be happy.” I’ll be sure to heed her advice.

"Culture Shock"

I’ve always thought of myself as a person with “high tolerance” to shock… You can put me in any situation and my reaction will always be cool, calm and collected.

Or so I thought.

Last week, I was excited to go on my first ever “blind date.” I say first time, because, even though I’ve dated before… it’s always been with an acquaintance, or at least someone I’ve talked with several times at work or in school. Nonetheless, I’ve always been ”picky” and “careful” when it comes to these things. I usually know within minutes of being with a guy whether there’d be a second date or not.

And so, when a friend of a friend decided to set me up with a 32-year-old ”Chinoy”… I thought, “what the heck? i just might like him!” I wanted to do away with being picky for once and give it a try. After all, my friend and her friend would be there in case anything went wrong… it was the “safest” and most “shock-proof” blind date ever planned, right?

I couldn’t be more wrong. Minutes before the “appointment,” my friend called to say that the guy’s elder sister and business colleague would be coming along… I couldn’t believe my ears. His elder sister? This was a date, not a “pamanhikan” (marriage proposal involving family), right?

There had to be a logical explanation, I thought. Maybe this was how the Chinese do things… And that was good, right? It means the guy is a serious dude looking for a committed partner. And though I can hardly imagine myself thinking about marriage with a guy I haven’t even met yet… I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Again, the “maybe i might like him” thought.

And so my friend and I came to the appointed place, a restaurant serving Japanese food. There they were… the friend, the sister and the colleague.

But there was no sign of a guy anywhere.

I thought, maybe he’s coming later. Had to go to a business meeting or something. That had to be it.

The formalities began. I ordered noodles. Heck, I didn’t want to look like a hungry pig in front of someone who could probably be my future sister-in-law.

And then, the “interview” began. How old are you? What do you do? What school did you graduate from? What is your zodiac sign? Questions that seem straight out from a job interview were asked one by one as if I was applying for some top-notch position.

I smiled, answered politely, played it cool. That guy had better be worth all this “strangeness.”

An hour passed. The tone of conversation was casual, but every now and then I’d get sidetracked by a question. What does your father do? How about your mother? Your younger sister is married? Why haven’t you married?

Honestly, I didn’t mind the questions so much. There was just this nagging feeling that the guy was not going to show up… and I was too shy to ask the “sister” about him. My friend had better explain all of this!

And suddenly, “Do you have a picture with you?” the sister asked.

That was the last straw. I was cool outside, but seething on the inside. How dare they ask me questions and ask for a picture… when I haven’t heard a single information about this guy!

“No, I don’t have a picture. Perhaps I could send you one through the bluetooth on my phone?” I suggested politely, but reluctantly. I did not want to give them my picture!

“That would be okay,” she said.

My heart sank. I glanced at my phone, whose battery blinked out. Lo batt. I was saved!

“Sorry, my phone’s low batt…” I thought quickly. “Perhaps I could just email it?”

“Good idea.” (I wrote down the guy’s email. But I had no intention of sending my picture. No siree!)

After the “show,” I pulled my friend aside and demanded an explanation. However, it appears she was “shocked” as well! She didn’t know that the guy would not be coming, that I was going to be “screened” first before an actual date would happen!

Honestly, I felt shocked and more than a little upset. I had never heard of such a thing… my romantic nature was rocked to the very core. I was treated as if I was a job applicant! Whatever happened to friendly dates? Getting to know one another… actually meeting a real person?

My friend advised me to just look back at it as a “learning experience.” I couldn’t have put it better. For me, it was, indeed… an eye-opener. Such things did exist in other cultures… I respect that. However, the whole thing just doesn’t blend with my “free nature.”

Friendship, and eventually… love are supposed to happen naturally, right? You don’t plan them. They just happen and grow and develop in their own good time.

As shocked as I was, I’m perfectly okay.

My incurably romantic nature is still intact… and I’m positive that my next “date” wouldn’t be so bad!

"Gentle"

He is like a gentle flower

Ever swaying in the wind

The slightest breeze, a drop of rain

Would make him wither down in pain

He came one day, in his silent way

Eyes often sad and blue

So taking his hands in mine, I say,

"There is beauty inside of you...

Soon, time will pass, the page will turn

And we will be apart.

But remember this, my gentle flower

...You'll always be in my heart."

"My chocolate box"

And there they were...

All eyes upon me as I glanced at the "L" shaped polvoron bars
And my cake, a Fudgee bar topped with Zestro straw for candles
It was the sweetest birthday gift ever

My heart touched by kids who drive me crazy at times
But make my heart melt with their laughter and smiles
I treasure them in my heart of hearts
In my very own chocolate box

A gift from a friend, a moment shared
The little things that make life so grand
Daily snack time at five-thirty
Stories told over sandwiches and "Oishi"

My mother's voice, my father's laugh
A family filled with joy and love
I treasure them in my heart of hearts
In my very own chocolate box

First Love

Today I watched a splendid Christmas play at a church in Makati with my students, Andy and Jin. It was so beautiful! The performers were fantastic, their voices angelic. Indeed the title "From Heaven's Throne" truly describes their message... and once again I am reminded of that day, two millenia ago.

The day when the One who would perform the greatest act of love for you and me... was born. The One whose Name almost everyone knows and yet whose life and message not everyone understands... Jesus.

When I think of Him, my heart overflows with wonder and awe... How can I describe it? In my deepest, darkest hours... He is my comfort, my source of strength. When problems get too heavy to bear... He carries me. In my happiest moments... He smiles at me through the clouds, flowers, trees... and through the eyes of people I love... He give me wings.

Words are not enough to express the joy of knowing Jesus... He is our Light in this life and beyond... our First Love yesterday, today and forever.

Merry Christmas, everyone! May your lives be truly blessed!